Some Humor to Laugh At

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Are You Finish?

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replid, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

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Technology Breakthrough

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Stoner]

That is some funny ass shit right there.

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The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

[Cell]

Now thats f'ing funny.

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Daily Thoughts

A. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

B. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

C. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

D. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

E. Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[Cell]

E. Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

For some reason this one brought a smile to my face...I'm feeling evil.

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I liked that one too. I know some folks like that myself.

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Problems With Upgrading

A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2010, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2010 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

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Religions of the World Explained

1. Taoism - Shit happens.
2. Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
3. Hinduism - This shit happened before.
4. Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.
5. Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
6. Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?
7. Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens".
8. 7th Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.
9. Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
10. Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it.
11. Jehova's Witness - Knock, knock, "Shit happens!"
12. Unitarian - What is this shit?
13. Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again ...
14. Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?
15. Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit!